Adele's jock itch
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Adele's jock itch
Why stop at Elon and Zuck, put all the multi-billionaires in a cage.
Hello Messketeers!
This week I took myself out to a solo fancy dinner for no reason except it was the only day at the only hour I’ve ever been able to make a reservation at this restaurant. How very Artist’s Way of me! (No, I have not been keeping up with my morning pages, I don’t want to talk about it.)
I went to Lilia, better known to most people as the place Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson went on a date that one time. That is when they weren’t busy strolling around the Mall of America eating candy apples and enjoying some California Pizza Kitchen after an evening at Ripley’s Believe It or Not. Anyway, it was insanely good. They made me believe in the glorious potential of broccoli for possibly the first time in my life. I was mildly bread shamed by my waiter, but I showed him by eating it all. And if you go, you must — you MUST — get the “Italian Job” ice cream. It has olive oil drizzled on it which sounds weird, but is very delicious. Just don’t think too hard about the fact that you’re eating spoonfuls of olive oil.
And while my reservation at that bougie place was happenstance, it ended up being perfectly timed as I actually do have some professional events worth celebrating this week and I need to be better about commemorating those milestones because it’s way too easy for me to say cool, thanks, what’s next. Another thing worth celebrating is that I’m going to help my best friend shop for her wedding today because you already know a critical Mess eye is needed to oversee the apparel for such a momentous occasion. But that also means, I’ve got to shut up already and get this newsletter out to you transcendent chum buckets asap.
Before I do, a heads up that I’m going to have to just play this newsletter by ear for the next two weeks. I’m traveling to Italy for a wedding next Thursday and I feel like writing this newsletter might not be a bad way to pass a couple hours of that red eye flight. But on the other hand, airplane brain knows no logic. And I’m going to go ahead and say I’m taking the first week of July after off for sure as I’ll be jetting back from the land of eternal aperol spritzes when I would typically be arranging this whole missive for your reading pleasure. TL:DR: Expect to receive no newsletter for the next two weeks and then be delighted when one randomly shows up.
Otherwise, you can catch me in the Discord, and if you’re not a paid sub you’ve once again missed out on the best weekly trend roundup I’ve ever read, personally. So sign up today to save yourself the embarrassment of not being a Sloppy Seconds consumer.
Ok, it’s time.
Let’s start things off today with a truly incredible coincidence. Can you believe that this paparazzo managed to catch Skai Jackson cooling down with Popeyes New Mango Lemonade in Los Angeles and then Page Six just happened to publish that scintillating image of Skai Jackson cooling down with Popeyes New Mango Lemonade in Los Angeles and now here you are, most likely not in Los Angeles, craving a cool down in the form of Popeyes New Mango Lemonade? Isn’t content creation fun??
And don’t worry, everyone!!!!! Everything is going EXACTLY according to plan! The Weeknd knew you would hate The Idol, in fact, he WANTS you to hate it! This is the precise reception he and nepo bb Sammy L were cooking up behind the scenes this whooole time. You fell for it, you TV rubes!
By the way, despite my less-than-impressed review last week, I am still watching the show as every so often it contains unbelievable comedic gems like that entire hairbrush scene. But I did come to the realization during this week’s episode that I think it should be illegal to have to watch The Weeknd act at the same time that you are being forced to listen to The Weeknd sing.
We also found out this week that Kravis is expecting. I thought the reveal was cute, although people seemed incredibly confused by it. I saw a lot of accusations that this was staged, which, like, duh. This was a reveal for us, the audience. Not Travis. I would hope that Travis, who lives with this woman and is utterly obsessed with her, would have noticed by now that she is very much carrying their child. I also already bragged about this in Discord, but much like with Rihanna, I absolutely knew Kourtney was pregnant at least a month ago but my general sense of decorum kept me from saying anything out loud so I have no evidence to prove that statement except a rant I went on in Sloppy Seconds in May about how her clothing was getting very, very large. Pregnancy is a tough thing to hide from a maniac like me who not only looks at these people everyday, but also closely examines the silhouettes of everything they wear.
My celeb baby soothsayer-ship aside, summer has officially arrived here in NYC as Mary-Kate Olsen has broken out her collection of warm weather coats! As I said on Twitter, there really is something weirdly refreshing about seeing America’s favorite twins wearing an actual color instead of their usual funereal palette. And while I heard nothing but rave reviews on social media in regards to this footwear, something about the metallic is throwing me off. They’re making me a little concerned for the value of the dollar…….is this a harbinger of the economic crash to come? Should we be investing our money in 24K solid gold and then fashioning said gold into footwear?? Please advise.
As Leo’s hunt for the next barely-legal model to be his girlfriend continues, it appears he’s formalized his alliance via a piece of jewelry with a fellow middle-aged actor attempting to outrun the hands of Father Time by ensconcing himself in the trappings of youth. Just a reminder, these dudes are almost 50 YEARS OLD. My problem isn’t so much with adult male friendship or said adult males’ desire to solidify their bromance by wearing matching necklaces, that part is whatever. (Although, combined with the twinning baseball caps, it’s a little much.) It’s more that these losers have an actual name they call themselves based off countless years of clubbing and pulling girls who cannot legally drink. Even more annoying is that despite having three decades to think of something better, this is still the most clever name they could come up with. They do realize that “wolf pack” implies something……predatory….is going on, right? Also, if you’re going to go so far as to acknowledge that your friend group does in fact have a dumb name it refers to itself as, go ahead and say it with your whole chest, Leo! Get matching “pussy posse” nameplate necklaces, you coward.
As I said the other week, the overblown media blitz surrounding Sofia Richie has completely abandoned her post-nuptials even though she continues to parade the “quiet luxury” that’s become her signature in all the right places to parade it. And being that it is Chanel, you already know my thoughts on this garment. But I would like to add that the brand has been really pushing this bow as bra agenda and, as an object-as-top enthusiast, I like where their head is at but there’s still something a little too precious about it. I think it just needs more exposed flesh in the surrounding area to let the bow breath. And likewise, while I applaud Chanel for even being aware that there’s an exposed underwear trend going on out there, I’m not sure why they had to curse Sofia with this particular pair of nude Spanx to layer beneath her sheer skirt.
It seems it was a tough week for aspiring starlets all around as Maude Apatow posed for a prom night style pic with the people who make all her nepo-ing possible wearing an overwrought Simone Rocha dress, and I say that as someone who typically loves this brand. There’s just a lot going on here and nowhere to rest the eye. None of which is helped by the faux underwire illusion created by this seam where the bust meets the torso of the dress that makes it look as though her breasts are sitting much lower on her body than they actually are. Although, we were just talking the other month about how profound boob sag might be a fresh response to the authoritarian reign of cleavage we’ve been living under for the last however many centuries. That said, I still think choices need to be made here between all these conflicting elements, such as the bedazzled arm warmers, the gold wannabe Tabi platforms, the profusion of bow appliqués, and this stiff, hoop skirt. And no matter how many times I warn them, we see before us yet another famous white woman has fallen victim to the siren song of a flesh-tone garment.
And since we’re talking next gen It-gals, TikTok Supreme Alix Earle found out the hard way this week that America does NOT fuck around with its bagel order. Lest we forget Cynthia Nixon’s lox, cream cheese, tomatoes, red onion, and capers on a cinnamon raisin bagel that may have very well cost her a gubernatorial race.
Thankfully, there’s still one starlet out there we can always rely on to deliver exactly what the public craves, Chloé Sevigny. She once again kindly demonstrated to these Gen Z aspirants how you do the damn thing. Chloé plugged this lovely new Supreme x Aurel Schmidt silk scarf wearing nothing else but a pair of very charm bracelet-esque ALL-IN heels. The true genius, of course, lies in the mirrored reflection of her bare ass in the background. A touch of scroll-and-you-miss-it nudity. We talked about this a bit in Sloppy Seconds this week, but I really feel the anecdote to Hollywood’s current case of extreme overexposure is a pivot to the art of the subtle reveal. Less straight-up stripping, way more tease. And I think this image really speaks to the appeal of that.
But it wasn’t just Chloé who was giving me plenty of fashionable food for thought this week. As is her wont, Rihanna is also continuing to serve the utmost looks in the midst of extreme pregnancy. Here, in a predominantly fishnet, pelvis-forward crochet romper that looks like something pulled directly out of Aubrey O’Day’s Coachella suitcase, but done in a neutral knit which weirdly does make it feel a little more elevated. And if you want to talk real quiet luxury, how about the fact that Rih casually threw on two 1980s Valentino fine jewelry necklaces to compliment her romper for this impromptu Father’s Day pic.
Once again, this is what I’m talking about. Rihanna has long realized that rather than getting in the way of participating in the year’s biggest trends, gestation only makes them look that much cooler. To watch Rocky perform, she donned a “microkini” which she layered beneath a sheer Jean Paul Gaultier Spring 2001 fishnet dress and finished off with some Tom Ford heels that I wouldn’t be able to stand in on my strongest ankle day, let alone with a bonus thirty pounds dangling off my abdomen. Everyone’s always talking about Rihanna gliding over subway grates in stilettos, but I think this is just as, if not more, impressive.
And Rihanna also made an appearance at the Louis Vuitton show in some patchwork denim co-ords that I felt neither here nor there about. However, I was very taken by the decision to fashion this diamond watch into a custom choker. As I said recently in regards to Stormi’s pint-size Rolex, the 1% are rapidly running out of ideas for public displays of ostentatious wealth. They are tentatively venturing out into the land of the absurd, and I need them to move full speed ahead into the outrageously fantastical. Dream bigger — wilder! — my criminally wealthy friends. Make an entire top out of diamond-encrusted Patek Philippes. As a billionaire, if you’re not going to launch yourself into orbit or plunge yourself into the Mariana Trench, the very least you can do is spend your money in a way that shocks and appalls the rest of us. We don’t actually want quiet luxury, we want banshee billionaires shrieking into the Fabergé night.
While I’m most definitely not a runway critic, all in all, I thought Pharrell’s first showing for Louis Vuitton was fine, if extremely Minecraft as everyone pointed out and leaning a little too heavily on some very famous friends to make me believe that something actually exciting was going on there. However, the look he chose for Kim was deeply tragic. It is kind of remarkable though that no matter what brand she’s wearing, Kim manages to make it all look exactly the same as everything else. This could be Yeezy, could be Balenciaga, could be Dolce, could be Skims, etc. Much as she subsumes artistic masterpieces in order to align them with her personal brand, she has done something very similar with high fashion, bending these designers to her Valley Girl will. Because I don’t know why we are pretending that this outfit isn’t just an athleisure matching set. I can absolutely go out to Target today and buy this exact sports bra and leggings. Tossing a floor-length fur on top of it does not change that fact.
Which reminds me, something weird is happening with fur right now. Much like with cigarettes (more on that below), fur seems to have returned in full force and everyone is just quietly accepting that fact. Jared Leto also wore a long, real fur coat to the Givenchy show this week and Rihanna has been pulling them out of the Fendi archives since the Met Gala. And who could forget J Balvin’s mink sweatsuit from earlier this year. While I’m not inherently against the look, it does feel very dated.
And finally, this fanny pack……where to begin. This challenging accessory presumes that Kim is someone actually stylish enough to pull it off, which she clearly is not. This feels like something that should’ve been left to a Rihanna or a Beyoncé to sort out.
And it’s not just the outfits that Kim needs to reevaluate, but her entire social media strategy because this content is not cutting it. There’s something very pretending to be a contestant on America’s Next Top Model during a middle school sleepover about these images.
As I mentioned last week, I also love that we’re getting these types of outfits at the same time that they are heavily pushing this narrative on their TV show that Kim has finally come into her own as the fashion maven she was always born to be. I’m just going to let you read that headline and then show you one more outfit she came up with all by herself this week.
Ah yes, a fashionista since birth! This, believe it or not, is actually Kim’s new Balenciaga uniform. It has supplanted the shiny pantashoes / cropped sweatshirt combo that reigned supreme during her relationship with Pete. This woman simply loves to make herself look shorter than she already is by needlessly truncating her legs mid-thigh. I haven’t been subjecting you guys to this ensemble because it’s just more of the same, except somehow even uglier. But since they’re forcing this international street style star agenda down the public’s throat, I thought it was worth bringing up that Kim has been stomping around Los Angeles in these neon pink Adidas flippers for a month now.
And as I’ve said from the day North was born, Kim needs to be careful to maintain her edgy trendsetter status because her kids are going to lap her in cool factor faster than she can say “Dolce & Gabbana curated collaboration collection.” Now, even Saint is quickly surpassing his mom with a move as simple as popping on this Louis Vuitton tooth gem. Kim better figure out how to harness her offspring to bolster her own brand fast because it is clearly adrift and the TikToks have already proven insufficient.
Also, an aside, but what’s going on with tooth gems this year? I feel like we’ve been seeing a fair number of them. This particular idea was clearly taken directly from Kendrick at the Met Gala (how Chanel doesn’t already have that man’s double-C branded smile on a billboard right now boggles the mind), but it’s also popped up on Hailey Bieber and Rita Ora in recent months. As I mentioned with Rih’s watch choker, this seems like yet another case of the uber wealthy needing fresh ways to flex their cash on the rest of us. While I do think a tooth gem can look cool, personally, I feel like we should all be leaving our precious enamel alone. Although, I suppose most of these people are working with veneers anyway, in which case, riddle them with gemstones! Load them up! Implant diamonds like cavities!!!
Since next week’s newsletter schedule is all funky, I’m going to give you a sneak peak at what would typically be content for paid subs only, diving headfirst into one of the most glorious trend corners we’ve seen in a minute. It’s all happening out there. As I told Sloppy Seconds readers this week, while we wait for a new crop of trends to coalesce, celebs are starting to create these types of hodgepodge zeigeist-y ensembles collaging every trend we’ve been talking about over the last year into a single garment. While I’m obviously delighted about the amount of flesh-exposing elements going on here, this is truly one of the strangest dresses I’ve ever laid eyes on. Much like Maude’s Little Bo Peep look above, it’s got way too many ideas going on simultaneously. I really like the concept of a full-coverage top with this much exposure on the bottom, but I think the fringe-laden sleeves have got to go. And in terms of the pubis-centric lower-half, I think there’s just too many panels coming in from all angles. I either need the drapery from the sides or the bodysuit coming down the center. Although, I do like the idea of bifurcating the butt cheek in this manner so as to provide just a sneak peek at the lower cleft. Every day we edge closer to full-blown nudity and I will be right here gloating the second we achieve it.
Meanwhile, Loewe continues to blow my fucking mind. While the rest of the world immediately dismissed Emma Watson’s dress as a magic trick gone awry, JW Anderson and I are clearly on the exact same wavelength and I need everybody to join us here in the fashion future. He always reminds me that the garment technology to do truly wild things absolutely exists, and yet we live in a world where illusion mesh still reigns supreme. Make it make sense. Like no one seems to be able to figure out how to create something plunging without paneling and yet this man is out here constructing free-standing floating necklines. I’m not saying this was necessarily the right choice in apparel for Emma Watson, especially for Emma Watson plugging her brother’s gin brand as it is very distracting and avant garde for the circumstances. However, much like with Jennifer Lawrence’s taupe paper doll dress last week, the concept itself is a feat and it’s exhilarating to see someone out there pushing the conversation into the 2020s instead of just rehashing the same 80s and aughts trends ad nauseam.
Speaking of rehashing the 80s, this week I’ve also been thinking a lot about big, old shoulders. They’re everywhere! Beyonce modeled a giant tinsel-laden set in Germany, Hailey Bieber gave us both a leather and a black tie take on the look. And just this morning, my friend’s husband sent me a video of the basketball player Gradey Dick wearing a red sequin suit where the shoulder seams are halfway down to his elbows. While the silhouette is a little Johnny Bravo modeling outerwear, I do see the appeal because when your shoulders are four-feet wide it makes the rest of your proportions look absolutely microscopic. And I said it last week, but it bears repeating: Smoking is back, baby! When you even have a goody-two-shoes like Hailey pretending to rip a dart for the cool factor of blowing smoke out of her face, it seems clear to me that Big Tobacco has not lost its toehold on the youths just yet.
Before I get out of here, I just wanted to offer a quick check-in with my eternal fav, the wind beneath my wings, the S-tier in Messketeer, Jocelyne Wildenstein who has recently tacked an “e” onto the end of her first name for reasons unknown. She is still doing these very glam little photo shoots for the gram tagging Fendi, Kim Jones, and Alexis Stone, the drag queen who cosplayed as her at the Balenciaga runway show last year and who has also recently started doing her makeup. I still have absolutely no idea what’s going on here and I have never wanted to know more. I also managed to catch this rant she went on against The Times of London because they called her broke before she deleted it and, wow, what a gorgeous clapback. Almost as gorgeous as the anime-level FaceTune work being done here which she always forgets to apply to other parts of her body, like the backside of her head which is extremely visible in this photo and notably different from the frontside.
Ok well, I could truly be here for another week asking questions about what the hell is going on with this bread plate filled with sauce and ice cold mozzarelle being offered up to Chris Martin, but I’ve got some bridal fashion to go bully people into.
So I’ll see you when I see you, you little fashion lunatics!
You’ve somehow miraculously reached the end of yet another clinically disturbed edition of I <3 Mess. If the bone-chilling ensembles you’ve bared witness to here today have inexplicably quickened your pulse and put a skip in your step, may I suggest you go share this epic saga of disaster Homer-style and regale the masses with the glorious tales found within these pages before signing them up for a free subscription today. If you can find no crowds willing to lend you an ear, then you can always show your support for this deluded diatribe by indulging in a paid subscription yourself. And for those just looking to read the Sparknotes of this lurid tale, you can always cut corners by joining the ~ MESS DISCORD ~ where almost 650 fellow Messketeers are ready to share their answers with you. Just make sure to get yourself some Mess Merch first.
As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more Mess, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.
Next time we speak, I’ll be in Italia! Ciao, bellissimo!
