A Zuck in the FROW
Where is the Calvin Klein x Love Story capsule collection??
Hello, Messketeers!
How’s everything going? Has Mercury retrograde sabotaged your entire life yet? It certainly has mine.
This week, my absolutely ancient fridge decided to shit the bed and completely stopped blowing cold air. A fact that, as you can imagine, has wreaked endless havoc upon my abode. There is a lingering stench of rotten food that will not dissipate no matter how many candles I light, to say nothing of all the pre-prepped meals, eggs, and meat I heartbreakingly had to dump in the trash so as to not accidentally poison myself. Quite devastating. And my landlord still hasn’t given me an actual timeline as to when this purgatory will finally come to an end.
To make this whole experience even more humbling, when the maintenance guy first came to take a look at the fridge, he told me that it wasn’t broken — it just stopped working because it was TOO DIRTY. The shame!! But the wave of embarrassment this revelation imparted dissipated just as quickly after no amount of furious scrubbing or dust removal could revive my ailing appliance.
But it did make me think about how the universe has a funny way of giving you exactly what you want in the exact way you didn’t want it because I remembered that I’d written “clean out the freezer” on my to-do list and, well, the freezer has certainly never been cleaner. And I will say, there’s something kind of liberating about the blank slate that is suddenly no longer having so much as a condiment to your name. Although, obviously, I would prefer to still have condiments.
In further testament to this law of the universe, I’ve always said that I wish I could make a living by doing my favorite thing — yapping about nonsense all damn day. And then, on Wednesday, that dream was realized when I spent 5 straight hours talking my shit and I thought to myself, between this and the freezer, maybe start being a little more careful about what you wish for. That relentless string of Zoom meetings does, however, mean that a new episode of the podcast is headed your way next week. I also chatted with a lovely Messketeer named Syd for a little piece on The Publish Press you can check out here.
But it hasn’t been all struggle all the time over here at Mess HQ. To make up for the week I’ve had, I bought myself a giant cinnamon roll from Loser’s that I can’t wait to tuck into as soon as this email hits your inboxes. And on the walk back to the subway after picking it up, I impulsively stopped by Sunlife — a new age-y adaptogen-centric eatery I thought only exists in LA — and bought a very overpriced smoothie that I’m now annoyed at how tasty it was.
I also swung by the Substack Bestsellers event on Thursday night and chit-chatted with all sorts of fun and cool folks about everything from Clavicular to the camp tragicomedy that is Wuthering Heights. My only complaint about that affair is that it was held at The Back Room, a bar I have an irrational hatred for. My vendetta against this place is largely based on the fact that they force you to imbibe everything out of a generic hotel lobby teacup, and I don’t know if a worse vessel for drinking while traversing a crowded bar exists. And don’t even get me started on the vestigial saucer it comes with.
But I’ll spare you the full anti-speakeasy diatribe because we’ve got gowns to discuss. Like I said, next week there’ll be a new Mess World episode for your entertainment, as well as either a new Mess Recommends or a special Friday post for paid subs, we’ll see how the mood strikes me when the moment comes.
Well, well, well….
I must begin today with the announcement of the Met Gala’s red carpet dress code. I don’t really have much to say about it except — hilarious.
As we’ve discussed before, every year the Costume Institute reveals the theme of its museum exhibition, and then a couple months later they announce the wildly vaguer, more generic theme for the Met Gala red carpet. Because, for some reason, famous people are incapable of creating outfits according to the already perfectly good theme of the exhibit, and I will never understand why. I already thought it was deeply stupid that Black dandyism was reduced to the completely meaningless “Tailored for You” dress code last year, but taking the already generic “Costume Art” exhibit and turning it into “Fashion Is Art” is somehow even dumber yet.
I also feel like this opens the door to the absolute worst, lowest common denominator gala outfits. We are about to see sooooo many celebrities taking this theme wayyyyy too literally and I can’t wait. It’s never been a better time to be in the Mess business. I am ready to bet every penny I have someone will wear a picture frame on that red carpet — likely Katy Perry and likely designed by Jeremy Scott. There will be Starry Night prints. Someone WILL come as the Mona Lisa, complete with inscrutable smile. If I don’t see a couple of those Moschino dresses Andrea Riseborough kept wearing in like 2024 that look like a giant Roy Lichtenstein brushstroke, I will riot. And you already know Viktor & Rolf are out there somewhere plotting and scheming because a theme has never been more perfectly suited for their particular archives.
Personally, I’m just crossing my fingers that Kim Kardashian shows up dressed like a giant anthropomorphic Andy Warhol soup can.
Brave New World
Now, on the subject of true artistry, I cannot express to you how important this revelation is to me. I can’t believe it, but despite being the world’s foremost champion of the merkin, it literally never occurred to me that people could likewise be sporting an artificial butthole. And now I need that to happen more than ever.
Forgot 2026 *potentially* being the year of the crack, the people clamor for full-frontal anus! Imagine the all-new depths backless gowns could plunge to if these starlets had the added security of a butt-kin backing them up. We’d likely finally get the ass-out AVN dress of my dreams on a red carpet!
Anyway, I’m delighted and inspired by the new possibilities this modesty garment presents. And if there is not a prosthetic butthole at the Met Gala this year, truly, genuinely, what is the point?!!!
A Full-Throated Flourish
But in terms of actual fashions I laid by eyeballs upon this week, imagine my surprise to discover that the top trend at this year’s BAFTA Awards was an array of esophageal frills! As I foretold, the neck flourish business is booming and quickly becoming one of the most important accessories of the year.
Teyana Taylor wore a plum Burberry reimagined trench coat with a head-swallowing ruff that’s precisely the scale I’d like to see these ruffles constructed in moving forward. Archie Madekwe wore the very Dior ruff the brand so rudely did not send me, and Milly Alcock wore a lace-up Alexander McQueen take on the neckpiece that’s like a cross between a dickey and a straight jacket, which is very fun. All of these takes on the jugular flounce prove what a simple, yet powerful means of adding interest to any outfit they are. The cervical collar has never been hotter!!!
Ghesquière’s Biggest Fan
The BAFTAs also proved to me that being a Nicolas Ghesquière fan girl is a lifelong affliction. Because while I’ve often been confused and appalled by much of what he’s subjected celebs to during his tenure at Louis Vuitton (the thatched cottage roofs still loom large in my imagination), I’ve always appreciated the way he pushes conceptual boundaries and makes me think hard about his designs, even the ones I don’t like all that much.
And now, it feels like all that erudition and patience is finally paying off as he’s truly hit his black tie stride with all these whopping, structural shapes. I’m obsessed with these gowns. The scream I scrumpt when the cameras zoomed out on Chase Infiniti (left) and I realized the hem of her gown was hovering a foot off the ground. It’s like space age Divine. And Erin Doherty’s cocktail dress (right) revived the chunky Roblox silhouette of Hannah Einbinder’s LV dress at last year’s Critics’ Choice Awards, with an added John Hancock scalloped flourish. Genuinely some of the most interesting designs going.
It also just occurred to me while assessing these gowns that there’s a certain genius to these gravity-defying fits as they surely require a high level of technical skill to execute which acts as a sort of built-in deterrent to knock offs. Although, I’d certainly love to see H&M try!
Bulking Season
I also really loved Kirsten Dunst’s ballooning biceps at the BAFTAs in this Valentino Couture Spring 2026 look. I think the scale of these mutton sleeves is perfect, and this gorgeous baby pink moiré silk only elevates them to new heights of fab. That said, I had the same thought seeing this look as I did when I saw Este Haim’s wedding gown, which is that this outfit would be much, much more powerful if the jacket were fastened tight all the way to the trachea. Sometimes it feels like brands get trapped in this idea that dressing a famous person means that some flesh must be flashed, even when it would be a way stronger aesthetic without it.
No Tie, No Problem
The last thing I’ll say about that night is that I noticed that ties are so over! Almost every famous man there swapped out their usual neckwear for something a little funkier, whether the aforementioned ruff, an array of diamond-laden brooches, or the humble bolo tie. In other words, the first baby steps towards A-list men dressing more interestingly.
I was also extremely charmed by Ethan Hawke’s Giorgio Armani suit that features the most elegant, understated sparkle throughout that a press release tells me is “subtle sequin detailing.” Whatever it is, it looks perfectly expensive.
Dimes Square Daddy
And here’s just your periodic reminder that Daniel Day-Lewis puts that shit on. This man is patient zero of hipsterdom. Everything you think is cool, this man already did twenty years ago. This is what all the boys wearing Jacques Marie Mage in line for Aimé Leon Dore think they look like.
The Plush Cuff Returns
I also have to let you know about Joy Sunday’s Chochengco Couture look at the DTF St. Louis premiere. Because yes, this is the same pair of plush matching cuffs I previously complimented on Rei Ami at the Critics’ Choice Awards. I’m thrilled to see them once again, not only as mounting evidence of my 2026 bumper car red carpet visions, but also because in an increasingly online world filled with netizens beset by carpel tunnel syndrome, I feel we all deserve such an ergonomic accessory.
Also, please note the deltoid-obfuscating, rosette-laden lapels. As I told you, some weird shoulder stuff is also afoot this year.
Temporary Top
And finally, a Messketeer submitted this Berghain outfit concept from Kim Petras that feels like the first giant leap toward making my ephemeral clothing dreams a reality. At first, I thought the pop star’s Dior-print top was just latex, which is cool, but not revolutionary. However, as I continued to scroll, I realized the shirt is actually a composite of temporary tattoos, which is a truly fabulously chic choice. Although, of course, I would’ve also liked to see the shirt mid-degradation. Somebody famous better add this idea to their Met Gala Pinterest board immediately!
Ok, my pretty, pretty princesses! The time has come for me to go. If you aren’t overly alarmed by the things you saw here today, meet me back here same time next week for another heaping helping of slop. Toodle-oo!
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I wish that the liner on Chase Infiniti’s dress went higher up the inside of the floating part. If you zoom in, you can clearly see the sharp line where the red fabric ends and the black under structure is. I wish they’d lined it all the way! Maintain the illusion!
I love the way the black belt (?) over the white top on Kirsten Dunst adds visual interest so I’m glad the jacket isn’t completely buttoned but agree that the neckline of the white top should be higher or the jacket should be fastened at the top and open at the waist.