Hiiii, Messketeers!

What’s happening, my friends? Have you succumb to Knicks in five fever yet?!! (I’m writing this to you from before the game, so don’t get mad at me if you read this later and we lost tonight.)

While I always find the sudden swarm of new celeb fans sitting court side to be a little cringey, I realized I need to check my attitude because their presence also produces the opportunity for impossible moments to transpire. Like the above image of Jose Alvarado landing in Michael Bloomberg’s lap much to that octogenarian’s immense terror. I have not been able to stop laughing at this photo all week long.

On Monday, I did a livestream with announcing our next book club pick for June which is Dekonstructing the Kardashians by MJ Corey! Get into it. As we said on the stream, whether you love the family or loathe them, MJ expertly uses them as a lens through which to better understand so much cultural theory and modernity at large. I promise, it’s going to be cool. Please join us!

Oh, and if you’re not a paid subscriber yet you missed out on my complete 2026 Pornhub Awards breakdown. It was a deeply informative red carpet experience that provided us with many an insight on Hollywood trends to come and inspiration for looks I hope to see on an A-lister in the very near future!!

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This week at work, I’ve been having meetings about changing the actual design of the website, which is extremely cool and exiting. Things are already in flux and looking better than ever, but please go over there and take a look around and let me know what you think. What would you change? What do you want more of? No detail is too small. I would truly love your feedback to create the most idyllic user experience possible.

This week, we also published this interview between Mel and supermodel Hoyt Richards, the star of the HBO docuseries Bring Me the Beauties about escaping the Eternal Values cult filled with even more chiseled-cheeked-and-jawlined folks like him. The story is insane, but I also can’t get over what a sweetie Hoyt is and that he has actually only gotten hotter in the 40-odd years since his modeling heyday.

And most importantly, I finally figured out how to access the gym in our fancy new office building and you better believe it’s about to be a swole summer. I already told all my coworkers, if you see me in there struggling, no you didn’t.

Ok, here we go!

To kick things off, two stories that made me laugh recently. Every now and then Page Six will hit you with the most unhinged hot take headline out of left field and I know they’re clickbait, but they still get me every time. I live for the hyperbole and a good ol’ fashioned end-days fearmonger.

And you must go look at this collection of staged paparazzi images courtesy of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds posthaste. This might be the first time such digital imagery has actually caused me to physically recoil. The pair definitely intended this to appear lighthearted and flirty, and how it actually comes across to me is deeply TENSE. There is a black cloud of PR machinations hanging over these cheeky, overtly un-candid candids. There’s a palpable franticness to produce a good headline that isn’t lawsuit-related out of which no good choices can possibly come. Although, thankfully for us, many, many cursed paparazzi images certainly can.

Gisele Forever

Now this is obviously not Mess, but just to cleanse the timeline for a moment may I offer you this insanely gorgeous image of Gisele Bundchen in the new W magazine? Let us all recalibrate our glamour sensors to the proper settings. Because as I said on Notes, genuinely, who is giving it to you like this. This is why people get pissed when we throw around the word supermodel willy-nilly because for every nepo struggling to emote there is a catwalk veteran out there generating something transcendent. The way the line of the hip mirrors the line of the shoulder is so important to me. Tom Brady should be so embarrassed he ever dared set one shambling foot in Gisele’s world.

Chicken of the Sea

This week, Meg Stalter became the latest chick to join the Mess flock in this outfit she made herself for a pride performance. This set actually perfectly fuses the year’s poultry trend with the sea hag look I’ve been chronicling in these pages as there’s also something a little cloud-like to the whole affair. Now if some genius could just figure out a way to harness real mist into the rough concept of a bikini, we’d really be cooking.

But I actually wanted to bring up this outfit not to talk about the molt of it all, but rather the tiara which fulfills the type of extravagance I’ve long been requesting from the rich and famous. Look at the way it effortlessly pulls together this cross section of couch innards. I’d obviously prefer the crown be done in real jewels rather than glitter, but let this serve as a powerful blueprint for more serious class warfare-baiters of the future.

Ballooning Bottoms

And you all know this newsletter has been singlehandedly pushing the red carpet inflatables agenda forward, and it appears my early investment in this trend is beginning to pay off. After previously being featured in these pages for her adult baby clowncore garb, comedian Atsuko Okatsuka has once again presented a compelling case that she is in fact a reader of this newsletter in an inflatable skirt from this brand Tabbe that I’ve been loving lately. The whole look is excellent, even the deployment of the typically overdone opera glove is good! My only note here is that I want to take a bicycle pump to this skirt and give it a few more hearty squeezes. I need that thing to be as taught as a Kris Jenner facelift!

Censori Core

But not all inflatables are created equal. Because this, on the other hand, I find to be rather depressing. Doja Cat wore this to a MAC promotional event so it is intended to maximize PR and attention, and in that capacity, I suppose it is successful. But it just feels like it’s trying way too hard to make a lot of something out of nothing. It suffers from the same problem we discussed re: Lizzo’s Robert Wun dress at Cannes last month. It’s overwrought. Stunt layered atop stunt, I think it large part because no fashion stunts are really working that well anymore. The market is beyond saturated. This aesthetic also just feels straight up sex doll without any sort of real subversiveness to it, which has never been my bag. And I always hate when popular culture proves Kanye’s worst aesthetic impulses correct. After all, this is really just Censori core without the Ye minimalist edit before leaving the house.

In more uplifting news, literally, Julio Torres continues to inspire and delight. We’ve seen quite a few floating collars this year, but none that riffed on the very notion of floating. This extremely Flying Nun neckline does Sally Field proud, and I like the way it creates a sort of second, even wider shoulder span atop his own.

I’m of course likewise charmed by the very sculptural plunger updo. As I’ve been telling you, I’m clamoring for some actually novel beauty concepts and this hair periscope feels like it is very much of the Elena Lenina school of red carpet artistry.

No More QR Codes

The last thing I have to say before I let you go is simply that we must stop trying to make QR codes happen. Like, I understand they are happening and that they’ve been happening for quite awhile now, I just don’t understand why this 90s technological advancement is being marketed to me as though it is the bleeding edge of Jetsons living. No amount of rhinestone-ing this glitchy square will persuade me this is a convenient or chic way to exchange data. Plus, I feel these codes will forever carry the cursed aura of COVID menu policies and thus the fomenting rage that lies therein. There can be no real path forward here. I need Silicon Valley to stop shoving AI down our throats and start fixing actual problems like finding a less embarrassing way to airdrop links to strangers.

Ok, well, I’ve got to go worship at the altar of Lisa Rinna’s fitness DVD empire. I hope you’ve enjoyed this journey into the heart of fashion darkness today. I’ll be back again next week with a new YouTube video and a new newsletter for my treasured paid readers only. Until then, toodles!

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And as always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a complimentary subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion fund, bail fund, Gaza relief fund, or honestly anything that helps stymie Trump’s agenda in any capacity, your next month of Mess is on me.

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Hello, Messketeers!

It’s been one hell of a week. Much to do and think about! But while things have been hectic, there have also been plenty of silver linings. Like I once again got my hair cut to look like a young Ozzy Osbourne, and I think this might be my look for life. I feel at home. With my blunt, face-framing tendrils, I finally know peace.

I also went and got coffee with a new internet friend and, as always, asked myself why I do not do stuff like that more often. Over the years, Messketeers have always proven themselves to be nothing but cool and interesting folks who I have a hell of a lot in common with (duh). Also, always a great excuse to untether myself from my laptop for an hour or two and go outside.

I went to the Prada Mode after party at Katz’s where the bougiest thing that has ever happened to me in my life transpired. When I arrived, I got in line to check in only to be promptly pulled out of line by someone working the party and escorted inside. I’m sorry, what?! VIP behavior! And at Prada no less!!! As always, I credit what many on YouTube have dubbed my ugly, old man glasses for making me immediately, unmistakably recognizable as me.

The party was cute, I won some sort of strange Prada-branded inflatable out of a vending machine, and it felt pleasantly illicit to be in such a New York institution after hours. But I have to say, I saw all of Dara’s photos from the event afterwards and realized I was NOT provided with the opportunity to scarf down some brisket. I saw nary a mustard squeeze bottle while I was in attendance and I’m furious to have missed out on such premium snacking which is obviously what lured me out of bed post 10pm to begin with!

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The next day I met up with my best friend Cass at the Prada Mode activation at The Chelsea Hotel where I waltzed right in without even scanning my QR code, clearly still high off the celeb treatment I received the night before. And it seems I was not the only one to do so as it was jam-packed in there and I spent most of my time deeply concerned one of the giant, glowing TV sets was going to topple over onto someone. We also apparently arrived at the exact moment they stopped serving food meaning I was once again cruelly denied sustenance by the brand. I will forgive, but I will not forget, Prada. But also no worries because that just meant we decided to hop on over to 7th Street Burgers for some cheeseburgers which were crazy good. I’d never been there before and I def recommend.

But I think by far the best thing that happened this week is Interview moved into our new office space and it has instantly improved staff moral tenfold. I credit the sheer volume of vitamin D we’re all suddenly getting from the sunlight streaming in through all our enormous windows. It’s also just so gorgeous and spacious and new, and makes it feel like we’re running a real, serious business which we are!!

Ok let’s see what we’ve got going on here!

I have to say a couple of things to the general public before we pop behind the paywall to discuss the 2026 Pornhub Awards. The first being that I feel like we are all falling for Tree Paine’s tomfoolery and I do not understand why. You’re telling me these two goobers are getting married on July 3 at Madison Square Garden in front of all their fans……….ok. Come on.

Now, I do believe these two might sell tickets to such an event as a sort of Americana semiquincentennial spectacular and stage a pretend wedding there for their fans to the tune of billions, but that is an entirely different conversation. It’s my personal belief based on absolutely nothing that this ceremony has already happened and we missed it, and if anything we’ll find that out at whatever this parasocial cash cow ends up being.

And it’s that time of year again! That’s right, it’s the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit runway show. One of the many banes of my existence. And clearly, no one took my one CRUCIAL piece of feedback from last year’s catwalk as if they had you would not be seeing either of the above images of Tunde Oyeneyin and Emma Slater. This leg pop pose remains one of the most criminally insane acts of modeling I’ve seen since ANTM was still on the air. I must know who is directing them to toss a gam akimbo in such a manner, and why they hate these women so much. Don’t even get me started on the pirate spyglass. Although, to Tunde’s credit, she’s giving that prop everything she’s got. I also have traditionally always thought of the modeling as the worst thing happening at this show, but this year I realized it might actually be the spray tan that’s about ten shades darker than it has any right to be. This is body building orange, and meanwhile the neck and face are left completely untouched…….Everything about this event is so wild, long may it reign.

Ok, alas, the Pornhub Awards are for paid subs only. Hope you’ll join us there, otherwise I’ll see you next Friday with your usual dose of Mess! <3

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Howdy, Messketeers!

I’m back from a weekend chillaxing in the wilds of Vermont with baby and friends where I ate an insanely good pancake, visited a miniatures exhibit, and earned my keep as a backseat entertainer par excellence. We visited the Eric Carle museum and I found his work to be even more beautiful than I remembered it. And I will now be sending all my friends Very Hungry Caterpillar cards for the foreseeable future. I recommend making the trip, even if the whole place does smell vaguely of diaper. We also caught a show of Jude Griebel’s sculptures and I was very taken with the things that man is getting up to with ceramic foodstuffs. And as is our wont, we fell into the reality wormhole that is Married At First Sight, a television program that I find impossible to believe that it’s real and yet absolutely could never be scripted. It is a surreal microcosm of humanity, a slow motion car crash filled with iconic divas and absolutely sinister characters alike. I love it.

Work this week has also been a very strange dichotomy of being told by everyone in the mediaverse that our publication is collapsing, meanwhile in reality everything is so chill and going really great actually. If you haven’t heard, someone made up a rumor that Interview is in shambles and Mel even had to talk to Page Six about it! Scandalous! And like I said, low key we’ve never been better. We are moving to a way fancier office next week that has a gym so I can finally cancel my Classpass membership. We have an insane cover coming out like two weeks after that. We are making serious investments in improving the website. And we actually just had our best traffic week since I started! Fingers crossed this flop of a publication can make it!

I better milk it for all it’s worth in the meantime. So here are some fun things I published this week:

Meet Michael Klokouzas, Your New Hair Guru - I’m obsessed with Michael. I think everyone in the office is. I love his content and he genuinely gives great advice.

Belmont Cameli Is Your New Fake Hockey Heartthrob - I’m just proud of myself for watching the screeners of this show and being like yes, the youth will be feral for this program, and I was actually right! I saw a headline that Off Campus is the third most watched Amazon series of all time.

6-Foot-7 OnlyFans Model Amira Evans Is Getting Rich Humiliating Men - Amira and I had a really interesting conversation about being tall and how it affects gender and power dynamics. Also, the pictures of her are out of this world.

5783 Photographs Peter Hujar Thought No One Would Ever See - Just a ton of really gorgeous photographs.

Also, I have somehow once again missed this year’s Pornhub Awards despite emailing their press contact obsessively for the last three months to no avail…..So I will most likely be rounding up what they were wearing in next Friday’s newsletter. That email will be paywalled, so make sure to sign up now if you care about accessing such salacious content!

Okie-dokie, my dudes!

To begin, I just need to express my ongoing concern that we as gluttonous celebrity content consumers are incapable of recognizing spon con when it smacks us across the face. I am doing my damndest to train the masses to spot a covert advertorial image from a mile away, but it seems I am championing a losing cause because I continue to be shocked by the number of people I see still trafficking such brand-forward photos as authentically candid.

Case in point, Bella Hadid sitting aboard this yacht tucking into a pint of David’s protein ice cream. Please tell me you understand this is a paid placement. As in, I received a press release from the brand about this staged moment. We all need to turn our skepticism dial up to 11. Why would a long-distance pap shot of a celeb on a boat be so absurdly clear and uninterrupted. Why would Bella step out in a different perfectly curated look, in the same spot she keeps getting pap’d, carrying a different new-to-market product from the same brand every. single. day. she’s at Cannes. We gotta get hip to these tired PR tricks fast. But listen, if the con must be sponned, at least she does it gorgeously.

Dadcore at Cannes

And I just have to show you further evidence of why Renate Reinsve is one of the best famous people we currently have going for us. I love her. Her acting is already exceptional, as are her curiously nude Louis Vuitton gowns, but her various press stunts might be even more superb yet. First, she provided us with yet another installment in her photo series of her smoking a cigarette alongside the Palme D’or the film she’s in won that year , which is absolutely the flex she thinks it is. And now, she’s concocted this powerhouse of a fit pic, rewearing Stellan Skarsgard’s suit a few days after he wore it to the festival, and sharing both photos with the caption, “Still smells like daddy.” EXCEPTIONAL celebrity behavior. She gets it. This is precisely what I want from my stars. I’m currently giving this social media post a one-woman, 20-minute standing ovation.

Glamorous Decay

Ok, and sorry for this weird photo, but it’s the only one of reasonable quality that I can find of Charli XCX wearing this Ann Demeulemeester sweater during fittings for her “Rock Music” music video. But I needed to show you this choice in distressed jumper as I feel it supports everything we’ve been talking about this year in regards to disintegrating clothing. The only way I think it could be more on trend is if the weight of those metal chains were actively unraveling the knitwear with every twist of the pop star’s torso.

But not only does this embody my coveted Andy Goldsworthy design mentality, but it also demonstrates the persistence of the dangly bits and bobs agenda that first surfaced at this year’s Met Gala that I found to be so infuriating. Here, it’s a much more natural, punk-inspired embellishment than the nonsensical beaded arm flourishes we saw on that red carpet, but even so. Most intriguing. I feel like these ladies are all way too confident they’re not going to run into a very playful kitten in these ensembles.

This look also immediately reminded me of those ornately distressed jeans that were shown as part of the Dior 2027 Resort collection where the frayed portions were actually embellished with pearls and gilded threads. That line Vivienne Westwood once told me also came to mind again, but it seems to me that we’ve transcended her perspective on these designs being about blue collar cosplay. The rich no longer aspire to replicate the experience of a life fully lived, they are purchasing clothing built for a life that no one actually lives. It is the full simulacrum of labor and experience, even the wear and tear is artisanal. We’re entering the realm of the threadbare hyperreal. I may be partial, but I would even call this performance of labor extremely ZANY.

Monkey Bar Matching Set

At the American Music Awards, Glorilla provided me with a much needed fresh take on the bumper car bodies trend we’ve been documenting this year. I like the replacement of the usual inflatable or padded edges with these hard metal curves of a jungle gym. As I wrote about last week, I feel like there’s a subtle shift happening out there towards hard, shiny veneers—the allure of the impenetrable. The aesthetic of automaton as embodied by Metropolis’s Maria, fusing the human with the automotive.

Speed Bumps Ahead

While poking around the AMAs red carpet, I also stumbled upon the musician Esty, who I am not familiar with but I feel like has got to be fighting the good fight against google autocorrecting her search results to Etsy every single time.

Anyway, she wore this Bailey Prado number that features a whole smattering of our most beloved trending topics as of late. First of all, this neckline is almost the same neckline as that one on the Tom Ford dress Teyana Taylor wore to Time 100 Gala last year. And as I said back then, I still think the far more interesting and visually balanced choice is to go full tit out providing a yin to this yang of fabric. But so far no brave soul has stepped forward to test out my theory. And this skirt is the aforementioned bolster fashion 101. A garment meant to cocoon the wearer while simultaneously keeping others politely at bay.

And given that you’ve been tromping around in the muck and the mire of Mess for a minute now, you should not be surprised in the slightest to see another major trend from the AVN Awards pop up on an award show red carpet. Of course I’m talking about these coordinated knit arm warmers, one of the most persistent accessories of that evening. And what did I tell you when Lisa Vanderpump wore the same last month? Watch this space.

Tie One On

Ok, sorry, but this is so good. Like, I’m actually mad. This photo should be in Interview. Although I do wish they had actually walked the red carpet like this instead of just doing it in the studio. Longtime Messketeers know I’ve always been obsessed with a high-concept shirt fashioned out of a random household object. The Loewe anthurium collection was a huge boon for me. And between this necktie modesty panel and the hair extension chemise below, I am sensing a return of that trend on the horizon and I cannot wait.

Hacks Forever

And finally, I must apologize again as I know a lot of people do not feel this way, but I have a serious soft spot for these Meg Stalter and Paul Downs red carpet couple bits. I think it’s important to remember that easily 90% of Americans do not know who the hell these two are and think that they are being completely sincere when they dress up this way, which I think makes everything going on here infinitely more fun. For the American Music Awards, they gave us this gorgeous pastiche of Matty Healy/Billy Bob Thornton and Gabriette/Angelina Jolie.

We’ll get into it more in next week’s Pornhub Awards recap, but I’ve been seeing quite a few gentlemen in lace-up trousers out there this week, and I’m digging it. I also think Paul should seriously consider making this Meg belt buckle a permanent part of his sartorial repertoire. And while Meg is very much doing Gabriette/Angelina justice, she is also reminding me so much of someone else I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s giving Genesis P-Orridge crossed with Michele Lamy and just a splash of Jigsaw…….

Ok, well, much like Susan Boyle, my new era is currently loading. So I’m gonna hop in the back of the closest luxury vehicle I can find and let it sweep me away into the night. I hope you enjoyed today’s random assemblage of attire and I’ll see you back here next week with a Pornhub Awards red carpet breakdown and more! Toodles! <3

• Next week, we’ll be diving into the real superstars of the Mess Universe entirely behind the paywall, so there’s truly never been a better time to splurge on a subscription for you and yours:

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And as always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a complimentary subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion fund, bail fund, Gaza relief fund, or honestly anything that helps stymie Trump’s agenda in any capacity, your next month of Mess is on me.

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Hiii, Messketeers!

How’s it going? I’ve returned from my visit to Hudson where I was helpfully confronted with the cultural shock of trying to order delivery literally anywhere that is not New York City. A true reminder of the absurd lap of convenience luxury New Yorkers live in and just how spoiled we are for endless consumption on demand. Having now lived here for ~15 years, I am slowly coming to the realization that it has perhaps ruined me for life anywhere else and I am cursed to be a deeply lazy Brooklynite and bad cook for the rest of my days. Also, forever cursed to walk at an absurdly brisk pace no matter where I am.

But I was only home just long enough to pick up all my dirty clothes, water my plants, and unpack and repack my suitcase, because now I’m off again for the Memorial Day long weekend to Vermont for a quick girl’s plus baby trip. I look forward to indoctrinating my best friend’s child into our time-honored tradition of gathering in the woods to drink too many glasses of wine and scream-converse with each other on all of our favorite, most well-trod topics while an abysmal reality show plays distantly in the background.

In terms of my professional obligations, I have two very fun stories out on the Interview website right now for your perusal. For starters, I asked the question we’ve all been thinking: Can we finally stop paying attention to James Charles, please? Now someone out there help me seed this essay with all the YouTube tea channels so we can get this “No More Jimmy Chuck” movement kicked off in earnest.

I also chatted with the incredible Iris Van Herpen whose new Brooklyn Museum exhibition I highly recommend checking out. Her work is absolutely bonkers insane. At the very least, you must click through to look at my many photographs that do not do the show justice.

Ok, I’m writing to you from the road next to a baby who must be entertained via copious eye contact and an endless, Oscar-caliber, one-woman performance delivered by yours truly, so let’s get into today’s newsletter which shockingly is almost entirely about CANNES!

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Hello, hello, hello!

Happy Saturday, Messketeers! What a delight to finally be past my self-induced Met Gala psychosis having spun out all my disparate and alarming theories for you on that topic in one massive email last week. This week, it feels like pop culture went on a bit of a temporary hiatus to allow me to finally catch up on it all, which meant that I even had time to sit down and record a couple videos for you about all the fashions I’ve been mulling over for the last month. Scary stuff! Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube for that.

People keep telling me that they don’t know how I’m juggling it all and demanding I tell them my secret, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t know either and when I decided to make the insane choice of having two full-time jobs simultaneously I just told myself to turn off my brain, do it, and don’t ask any questions about how. So far, that’s been a shockingly effective tactic. It also helps that one of those jobs (this one) is just word vomiting the nonsense already floating around in my brain all over the page.

So as has become my new normal, I had a very busy week, but also a deeply charmed and bougie one. Starting off with a press appointment at Spencer’s spa in SoHo where I received a remarkably good facial and massage. While the services were excellent and the space felt legitimately decadent in a way most spas in New York no longer do these days (slippers, hot towels, cups of tea, etc.), my mind was mostly preoccupied throughout my visit with doing calculations on how much they’re paying in rent and how that math is mathing. TWO floors in PRIME SoHo? A newly opened Williamsburg location? A facial room with at least FIVE FEET OF EMPTY SPACE ON EVERY SIDE OF THE TABLE??? I’m going to need to see a floor plan, some real estate comps, and that building’s lease agreement STAT.

If that wasn’t enough of a luxe out-of-office sojourn, I also got a private tour of the new Iris Van Herpen exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum. The show is fab, the clothing truly mind-boggling, and for the rest of my days I will be haunted by the soundtrack designed by Iris’s husband of rattling bones that follows you from room to room. Chatting with the PR manager, I also learned that the museum collaborated on a part of the exhibit with a CORAL CURATOR which is one of those jobs that seems impossible that its real and that someone actually has it, and then makes you furious that no one ever told you that was a possibility at any point in your life. So obviously, I have been absolutely possessed by that knowledge ever since.

And this week in the office, I fully abused my powers for the betterment of all by orchestrating an interview between two of my favorite people, MJ Corey of Kardashian Kolloquium and Jessica DeFino, the woman who puts the World in Mess World and the “Brow” in our Book Club (It should go without saying that I am obviously the “Low”). Their conversation was EXCELLENT and I promise there is so much there to learn and enjoy even if you despise the Kardashians. But also, if you do despise the Kardashians to that degree, what the hell are you doin’ reading this email every week. Stop torturing yourself!!

And re: today’s title, this week, we published an interview with Adrien Brody where I bullied our associate editor into asking him about his brooch collection as those door knocker lapel adornments are a serious pet passion of mine, and hearing him wax poetic about them was everything I could have wanted.

Well, I’m going to keep things trucking along here as I’m currently up in Hudson visiting with my fam who are in the area poking around. We’ve been eating at some phenomenal local spots, like Stissing House (be very jealous of all the simple Shaker bread and butter I gorged on). But also, all of those locales are like minimum an hour drive away from where we are staying, so I gotta jet.

Now, without further ado!!!

To begin with, I just want to say that these are the true gems we miss out on discussing when I’m forced to talk about the oppressive dullness of the Met Gala. I have been sitting on this piece of information for two, full calendar weeks now, desperate to share this latest development in celeb placenta news with you all. See, I thought Cardi B’s gold-plated umbilical cord was fun, but little did I know Kesha was out here rocking a talisman filled with her own powdered placenta every single day. I actually have way more questions about this than Alex Cooper could ever possibly provide answers for. However, the one insight Call Her Daddy did provide me with is that Kesha believes this dehydrated temporary organ “gives you second sight” and “opens up your third eye” and that is the kind of freaky, woo woo accessory mumbo jumbo I can get behind.

Couture Humblebrag

And you know, in the wake of the Gala, I was mourning the current state of diva-dom. Most notably, the dressing Stevie Nicks in custom Zara of it all. Something I was informed of on the livestream and genuinely thought I was being pranked by my viewers. But my spirits were bolstered this week after stumbling upon these two and realizing that some of our living legends are still living legendarily.

I will never not love a Jennifer Tilly couture humblebrag. Like wearing that custom Balmain gown with her face printed on it to the Real Housewives reunion—fabulous self-promotional reality star behavior. So of course, after the first Monday in May, she had to post about owning a Jean Paul Gaultier ship fascinator of her own that was reminiscent of the Saint Laurent one Madonna wore on the red carpet. This is a rich person using her money wisely. Although, all of these cranial cruisers has now made me wonder where Isabella Blow’s Philip Treacy boat hat is currently residing…..

And Björk made a surprise appearance at the Venice Biennale to do a DJ set at the behest of Bottega Veneta where she finally made this coat from the brand make sense to me. She has put it back in its appropriate context. Of course, obviously, what it was missing all this time was a ponderous pair of Myah Hasbany bunny ears!

Follicle Innovations

Also, sorry, but this is good actually. Finally, a fresh hair concept!!! And thrillingly, it will not be the last fresh hair concept we will see before this email is over. But these studded extensions are exactly the type of divisive beauty and fashion innovations her mother and aunts have long since given up on attempting to provoke us with, so thank god the next generation is finally stepping up to the plate. North’s emo/Hot Topic x Balenciaga goth aesthetic isn’t my personal cup of tea, but I will fight like hell for her right to post her every scene kid aesthetic musing on social media. Keep the pierced and spiked engagement bait coming, Northy.

Gold Gala Update

The Gold Gala offered much Mess to mull over this week. To begin, Chrissy Teigen’s Aiste Hong yoga ball dress reminded me that there has been something going on for a couple of weeks now with these types of pleated, firm, ovoid-shaped skirts. I first started thinking about them during the Met Gala because of Karlie Kloss’s stiff, knife pleat, teardrop Dior dress that gave huge Big Hero 6 energy. Then, I saw some influencer at that same event wearing a similarly robustly shaped, gently-folded midi dress, and now here’s Chrissy in an upside down Blow Pop of her own. This micro trend feels like the love child of Mess looks of yore, fusing the Build-a-Body of yesteryear with the bumper car bodies we’re about to see more of below.

And Nymphia Wind continues to concoct some of the most compellingly strange ensembles I’ve seen on the red carpet. I’m honestly still thinking about that time she dressed up as a giant pea pod wearing a ski mask with a trompe l’œil face drawn atop it. And I was likewise struck by this garment as, while it is extremely Mônot and reminiscent of the many dresses I saw at the AVN Awards this year that were more cutout than fabric, Nymphia took it to a place all others were too fearful to go. And that place is full vag out. Of course, the vag in question here is a mere illusion, a sexless piece of Barbie genitalia. But even so, a bold step forward into a new era of Bianca Censori full-frontal exposure. My only major complaint about Nymphia’s attire is these highly visible, fleshtone stirrup leggings ruining both the line and the illusion of everything going on here.

Clowncore Goes to Cannes

WOW. Now would you look at that, my compatriots in chaos! That’s some Grade-A, gen-u-ine clown couture courtesy of Jacquemus of all people!! Sarah Sherman’s Bozo streetwear vision executed at the highest level. From the second I saw these primary-hued polka dots on the white background of Demi Moore’s dress, I thought to myself, we’ve got a luxury harlequin in our midst. And it didn’t even dawn on me until much later that there’s little sproingy pom-poms busting out all over this gown and handbag. A confetti-inspired embellishment that adds a heaping helping of zany to the overall silhouette. This is the luxe, elevated twist on the court jester I’ve been waiting for. I’ll take all the glamorous Pagliaccis I can get.

Bumper Lane’d and Bolstered

In a similar vein, we’ve been talking about bumper lane bodies for a hot minute in these pages, so while these looks came as no surprise, I was nonetheless excited to see these plush sartorial safety precautions find new purchase and further infiltrate the zeitgeist. I love the casual pool floatie embellishments encircling like a Miss America sash and outlining Nelson Tiberghien and Isabelle Chaput’s bodies. These Quine Li looks for the Webby Awards are very much those swimsuits for toddlers with built-in life preservers, but make it black tie. There’s also something extremely crustacean transpiring here (complimentary).

And I was introduced to this image of Coco Rocha in Iris Van Herpen during my tour of the new exhibition and instantly thought this S&M octopus get-up looked very familiar…..And then, at the end of the show, there’s a wall of all the big red carpet moments Iris has had over the years, including a photo of Solange wearing this very dress to the 2018 Met Gala and I was furious with myself that I could have forgotten such a seminal fashion moment in my life! So anyway, here’s your reminder of how major this dress is and has always been.

Little Drummer Boy Chic

I don’t really have any feelings one way or the other about this, but I have just noticed that there seems to be some sort of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band thing transpiring on the carpets and e-commerce sites lately. Margot Robbie wore this “Little Drummer Boy” McQueen Spring 2026 jacket to a play premiere and I was already thinking about the strangeness of aestheticized formal military garb at this particular juncture in warmonger history, and then I received an email from Praying announcing the restock of their marching band polo. A brand whose alt-right flirtations I have written about at length in the past. Anyway, any symbolism going on with this micro trend feels incredibly thinly veiled, so I’ll let you come to your own conclusions on that front.

Call My Lawyer

And as always, it seems like I tell celebrities to jump and they immediately respond, “How high, my lady of Mess?” Because I recorded my April recap YouTube video this week and I was just reflecting upon Charlize Theron’s neck ruff which I aspirationally referred to as an Issey Miyake-designed cervical collar as I’ve long championed the embrace of couture medical accoutrement. And now here we have Charli XCX in a photoshoot for Perfect magazine styled in a rigid lace and leather neck brace. Gorgeous! Can’t wait for more fashions you’d see in the Cellino & Barnes waiting room. And don’t worry, I’m enrolling myself in fashion psychic school posthaste.

My Queen of Cannes

We will conclude today’s email with the true reason for the season, my personal Cannes Film Festival muse, a lady with a serious flare for hair — Elena Lenina. Why is she there year after year, the world may never know, but man am I thrilled that she is. No one does bouffants like this broad. A true follicular artist at work, stunning hairdressery at play, North found shaking in her platform combat boots. The Bride of Frankenstein beehive on the left has become a signature of hers over the years, so I was charmed to see this new iteration featuring a wicker orb filled with rose petals that she appears to have woven her hair into using copious bobby pins. It’s very Lush store meets Pier One Imports. I’m inspired.

Ok, well, I think I’ve held you all captive here long enough trying to eke out just one more stupid point before gmail cuts off my email, like Vin lecturing a wall of photogs. I hope you enjoyed today’s edition, and I’ll see paid subs back here next Friday for even more scintillating tales of style gone wrong. Love you! Bye!!!

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Hi!

It has been a deeply frenetic week over here at Mess HQ. No surprise there, such is the Met Gala. Even when you work for a publication that is not particularly gala content-heavy, I think there’s just a certain manic energy in the air here in New York City that permeates everything, even the chillest chillers amongst us (me).

So anyway, I’ve felt like I’m a headless chicken running around all week. In other words, extremely on trend. But I’m glad to finally have a moment to settle down here with you all and put a handful of my MANY Met Gala thoughts and feelings down in this digital paper of record. Obviously, with the Jeff Bezos of it all, this year was bound to be bleak, but I did not anticipate just how astonishingly bleak and, frankly, empty this red carpet would be. A travesty even by this event’s usual low standards. We have so much to get to today that I’m going to skip the usual rigamarole and jump right into it.

Welcome to what is perhaps the worst Mess Gala on record!

Let me kick things off here on a high note with a few of my fav looks of the night that actually understood the assignment. In a surprise to absolutely no one, Jordan Roth killed it in this custom Robert Wun (right) that triggers my automatonophobia in a very serious way, but is also perfect so I must allow it. I think the light taupe velvet takes the original design to another tier of eerie, as does Roth’s pitch-perfect posing, working those mannequin arms from every conceivable angle.

I also loved Emma Chamberlain in custom Mugler that looks like an oil painting melting off her body. I said this on the livestream, but it really does remind me of that scene in What Dreams May Come where they find themselves in “painted heaven,” which I know is a hyper specific, almost inscrutable reference, but such is my brain.

And Gwendolyn Christie in custom Giles Deacon proved why it pays to have a master couturier husband at home. Although, I do wish the body of this dress was done in some sumptuous, plush velvet instead, but the accessories more than make up for any quibbles I may have. The Stephen Jones ostrich feathers are a fantastic, dramatic addition and the dual-sided mirror/mask is fittingly unnerving. I feel like Gwendolyn walked in that Margiela Artisinal Spring 2024 show and discovered her truest form — a gorgeously bedecked, creepy Victorian doll.

It was also a huge night for prosthetics. While I traditionally do not condone costume dressing at this gala as Jared Leto and Katy Perry have pushed me to my absolute brink on that front, I must make an exception for our reigning Queen of Halloween Heidi Klum in this perfectly executed reference to Raffaele Monti’s “The Veiled Vestal.” She’s one of the only people that night who referenced a sculpture instead of a painting. I’m also partial to this look because I just interviewed Mike Marino, the special effects artist who made this and all of Heidi’s Halloween costumes, for the website (stay tuned) and hearing him describe its actual fabrication is mind-blowing. He also made the excellent point that this prosthetic embodies every form of art at once. It is a foam latex sculpture that has been hand painted to look like marble and then serves as a sort of live performance piece, and it doesn’t get much more “fashion is art” than that!

I’m also obsessed with Anok Yai’s frozen tears. And I feel this beauty detail also underscores my biggest pet peeve with Vogue’s red carpet livestream coverage which is that they don’t zoom in on anything so all the finer points of outfits like this are completely lost in the hustle and bustle of the red carpet! This is a fashion event, GIVE. ME. THE DETAILS!!!!!

And I’m going to round out the free portion of today’s Met Gala email by alerting you to two enormous Mess trend predictions that came to fruition on the first Monday in May. We got ANOTHER bubble dress. Truly, genuinely, what are the odds. This time it came to us not from the Nader sisters shilling natural deodorant, but rather Eileen Gu in an Iris Van Herpen dress that had a bubble machine hidden somewhere within it so that real bubbles floated all around her as she walekd. This dress is radically better looking and better constructed than those Gaga knock-offs I previously showed you, but I’m still waiting for someone to formally take the plunge into non-faux soap droplets and figure out how to fashion them into a semi-permanent garment. I’m thinking frozen bubbles might be the next logical step in the evolution of this aesthetic…

And just in case that wasn’t enough creepy trend intuition for you this week, Alexa Chung also shared this BTS photo of someone standing atop an apple crate on that red carpet. AN APPLE CRATE! Strap these to a famous person’s feet and let’s officially check this off our 2026 bingo card.

Ok, now let’s talk Lauren Sanchez, Kim Kardashian, and the rest of these clowns.

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Good morning, Messketeers!

Once again delayed with my sincerest apologies. It’s just that I’ve had so many back-to-back meetings over the last two days!!! In a good way, to be sure, as we are definitely working shit out. But also, between that and recording the podcast, I feel like I’ve just been yapping into the abyss nonstop all week. I’m overdue for this return to the humble written word.

Before I throw up the paywall for the rest of the email, I just need to make two quick public declarations. One, is that I take back anything nice I said about The Drama last week because over the weekend I went to see the opera Innocence at The Met which grapples with the exact same themes WAY more profoundly and creatively. I find myself still thinking about and genuinely moved by that performance a week later. If you have a chance to see it, absolutely do. The set alone is insane. It’s basically a slowly rotating, cursed doll house.

And secondly, we had a meeting on Monday where we had a rousing discussion on Our Aesthetic Categories, which we will continue to read in May focusing on the “zany” chapter. A piece of theory I have come to believe might hold the key to unlocking the kingdom of Mess. But most importantly, one of our readers reminded me of the existence of Cassandra from Dr. Who — a sentient flap of skin stretched tight across a frame, which I presume is Kris Jenner’s platonic taut form. I’ve been so taken with the re-emergence of this character in my psyche, I also brought it up on the new episode of the podcast which will be coming your way on Monday

And finally, I will be livestreaming the Met Gala over on YouTube starting at 6pm est on Monday and writing all about it for paid subs next week. See you there!!!

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Hellooo, Messketeers!

Happy Saturday! Apologies for the delay. I missed you all. We had a great chat behind the paywall last week featuring even more hyperreal bodies, dresses made out of mist, Kim K in her Spring Breakers era, and fully inflatable clothing. I also posted a brand spanki…

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Helloooo, my beautiful paid subs!

Week two at Interview magazine is officially complete and everything remains as fabulous as ever. I led my first official web meeting this week and I can’t believe the number of deeply wild ideas I pitched that were immediately understood and greenlit. It’s exciting to feel heard and like I’m making effective change. It feels like the website is about to come out the other side of one of those movie makeover montages, suddenly hot and popular because it took off its glasses. Also, Messketeers have already started pitching me and the pitches are GOOD! How cool is that! I shouldn’t be surprised, of course, anyone who reads the 3,000 word brain dumps I do here every week should have a profound and intimate understanding of the type of weirdo shit I like.

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Hello, Messketeers!

Apologies for the serious delay, but I am reporting live from the tail end of week one of my new job at the illustrious Interview magazine! My new gig even got a little shoutout in Feed Me this week which is fun and silly.

My primary takeaway from my time on the job thus far is that its fucking awesome…

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Hi, Messketeers!

So. As promised, I have big news to share with you. On Monday, I’m going to start my new job as digital editor of Interview magazine. That’s right. They’re trusting me to run the whole website! What the hell! This is how the Mess agenda wins!!!!

What does this change for you, my most…

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Hello, Messketeers!

Happy Friday! Well, as happy as it can be given the general catastrophic state of the world. At least it’s starting to officially feel like spring again outside so I can stand on the street corner staring into the sun pretending I’m on a tropical beach with a daiquiri in hand somewhere where eve…

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Greetings! Welcome to the aftermath of the Academy Awards, Messketeers!

And a blessed 6th Mess-iversary to us all!!!! That’s right, I’ve been producing this newsletter for SIX STRAIGHT YEARS of my life! I don’t know which is more insane, me for writing this newsletter for that long or you for gobbling it up week after week. It should go without saying at this point, but I am incredibly grateful to all 19K+ of you for taking the time out of your busy lives to engage with my various fashion frivolities and for helping make Mess my full-time job over the last two years. I couldn’t ask for a cooler group of readers with more impeccable taste.

When not partying like it’s 2020 in commemoration of this newsletter milestone (i..e. sitting on my couch and never going outside), it’s actually been a pretty busy week! I returned home from Massachusetts where I livestreamed the Oscars to you all out of my friend’s spare bedroom. Substack’s livestreaming platform still leaves MUCH to be desired despite my relentless feedback, but my pal Ferron was integral in relaying your many chat messages that I couldn’t actually see. And fear not because a Messketeer has stepped forward out of great frustration to help me finally learn OBS so I never have to rely on Substack’s audio-visual services again, and hopefully by the time the Met Gala rolls around all will be resolved so that we may enjoy a seamless technological and viewing experience of that tragic red carpet.

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Because my ancient apartment continues to crumble around me, we finally got the refrigerator replaced only for my toilet to explode in the midst of me writing this email. The joys of renting truly never cease! But on the bright side, I did get my little young Ozzy bangs trimmed this week which makes me feel like at least one thing is right in the world again. Also, whenever I go to the hair salon, I always swing by that chain Maman for a little tasty treat afterwards because it’s right next door and I am a firm believer in rewarding myself for accomplishing even the most minor of adult tasks. And I just wanted to say, if you have the opportunity to partake of this pastry they made in collaboration with Martha Stewart that’s like a creme brulée sugar bun thing, do it immediately because it is DELECTABLE. Like for sure very decadent and you could def split it with someone, but I picked at it over an afternoon and delighted in every single bite. Really an exceptional indulgence if you can get your hands on it.

And the last thing I have to impart on you all before we get into the highs and lows of Oscars night is that I’ll be doing a Substack livestream on Monday at 5 pm EST for paid subs where we can recap all things Oscars or whatever other pressing issues the tabloids dredge up in the interim.

Hope to see you all there! But in the meantime, THE OSCARS:

To begin with, by far the most important thing that happened to me on the Oscars red carpet was learning about the PricewaterhouseCoopers accounting firm and the crucial role they play in Hollywood’s biggest night. Apparently everyone but me knows that they’re the historical keepers of the Academy Awards ballots since 1935, overseeing the whole voting process and delivering the envelopes unto the ceremony.

Personally, I feel these facilitators need to be featured MUCH more prominently and their briefcases could likewise be jazzed up substantially. Is no bag designer willing to take on the task of making something custom? Do all the jewelry brands find it beneath them to craft a diamond and platinum encrusted casing?? I just feel for such an important job, much more pomp and circumstance should be heaped upon this momentous feat of tallying. Just something to consider for next year! If Coldstone Creamery is allowed to entrap celebrities into doing accidental spon con on the Critics’ Choice step-and-repeat every year, why not give PricewaterhouseCoopers’ actuaries a chance to walk some famous people through their outstanding tax returns?!

On Oscars night, I was asked by friend of the letter to name my pick for best dressed at the ceremony and my first impulse was to bestow that honor upon the ladies of Sentimental Value, Renate Reinsve and Inga Ibsdotter Lilleaas. As I explained to Eliza’s readers, what struck me about these particular gowns is how at first glance they look incredibly simple and timeless, but both have design elements that make them completely weird and unique. And I think for two actors attending their first Oscars, both made such excitingly bold choices.

Renate wore yet another custom Louis Vuitton gown that I was shocked knocked my socks off. One of the commentators we were watching on Oscars night called this dress “risqué” which I think speaks to the illusion this dress creates that you are seeing a lot more than you actually are because this is hardly risqué!! I mean, we have famous women showing up on red carpets fully nude at this point, I don’t think a little thigh is going to kill us. But I think the asymmetry of the skirt does amp up the feeling of exposure and also makes the gown feel off-kilter in a way that transforms this simple column silhouette into something totally original again. My only point of contention is actually the shoe as I feel the ankle strap prematurely cuts off her leg when I think what this dress demands is unfettered flesh from hip bone to tootsie.

And Inga wore this custom Loewe column gown with a big old ShamWow combover at the neckline, like a Muppet’s tongue emerging out of the bust. Again, this is a masterclass in black tie statement dressing. Completely elegant, yet with a little freak twist. The boob flap actually looks like it was made out of one of those Barefoot Dreams blankets which makes me hopeful that the whole gown is lined in that same fabric so Inga can flip that thing up into a pillow and take a luxurious nap whenever the mood strikes her.

But while I paid lip service to my Norwegian queens on Oscars night, upon further reflection, my actual title for best dressed of the evening might have to go to Sinners star Jack O’Connell for this low-key vampiric homage. In fact, this might be the first truly good use of a red carpet PR plug for a movie in the history of relentless red carpet film promotion we’ve been living through post-pandemic. A plug made all the better by the fact that there’s nothing actually left to promote as it’s Oscars night and Sinners was a shoo-in to be a big winner. Plus, I think how casual and understated this nod to his character is only makes it all the more impactful.

Up next, the best pair of pants I’ve ever seen, the biggest trends of Oscars night, Devon Lee Carlson’s butt cheek sliver, Lisa Rinna’s 11 pounds of hair and, of course, my many, many thoughts on the blue-eyed Kim Kardashian of it all.

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Hi hi, my friends!

Happy Friday the 13th to all those who celebrate. I’m currently on a train headed to western Mass to spend a long weekend luxuriating with my pal while soaking up all the nature and tiny antique stores the state has to offer. I am also currently listening …

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Greetings, my nearest and dearests.

I have let this edition of Mess Recs get away from me in a crazy way, but I’m back with a laundry list of deeply random stuff to share with you all. This despite the fact that I took almost no notes on anything I did or consumed in the month of February. Is February like that for anyone else? Every year, it somehow turns into a total black hole. Suddenly, all of my habits fall to the wayside, all of my routines are for naught, I regress to full hibernation mode, flip off my brain, and stop doing everything both personal and professional, apparently. Anyway, I’ve now been awoken from that slumber by the tepid weather and have re-emerged to cobble together some assemblage of stuff from the wreckages of my past two months that I hope you’ll enjoy.

Let’s take a look!

Buy:

First, some previous Mess Recs I repurchased:

Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Advanced Repair Barrier Cream - This is my most heavily used wintertime product. I think this is my third tube of the stuff at this point.

Another potato basket kit which I promptly made and now use to hold all of Fran’s puppy junk. I still highly recommend basket weaving as a low-key hobby to pick up. We should legit have a Messketeers Zoom craft night and make one together sometime! How do I get Big Basket to sponsor this??

Osea Salts of the Earth Body Scrub - Insane. I truly wish this pricey scrub wasn’t as amazing as it is, and lord knows I’ve tried to find a dupe, but no dupe will do. My skin has never felt softer or more nourished than after a quick scrub down with this stuff. My only hack is to ask for it for Christmases and birthdays so you can offload the expense onto your friends and family and stay sloughing off your dermis in style all year round.

Two more issues of Vogue Paris Collections from eBay - If you thought my obsession with acquiring the full set of these magazines was over, you thought wrong!!!! I am simply biding my time, watching those prices tick ever downwards, and then striking when the bargain is hot. This print sleuth-dom has also made me realize that I should probably just schedule another appointment to visit High Valley Books and accept that $40 is the price I have to pay for some of these rarer issues.

Zum Laundry Soap in Frankincense and Myrrh - I love this laundry detergent so much I brought it up completely unprompted to the at a Substack party. What more do you need to know!

Transparent Labs Protein Powder in Dark Chocolate - My ride or die. My laziest meal and the source of all my gains. Looking at this product on their website, I’m actually realizing right now how many delicious sounding flavors they make that I have yet to try.

Silpat Baking Mat - I accidentally made a big slice down the middle of my treasured large Silpat mat which I had no qualms with until I read somewhere on reddit that if that happens you need to throw it away and replace it otherwise you are poisoning yourself somehow. I now feel like I probably got got by an undercover Silpat salesman, but here we are. I think everyone knows these things are great for cooking and baking, but if you don’t know, there you go.

Things I was sent that I actually love:

Jukebox Deodorant in Coconut Dreamin’ - I can’t tell you how long I fought this gifting. I was not going to accept it, I postponed my response for months despite repeated follow ups, and then finally they caught me in exactly the right moment. I had just run out of my trusted Megababe and I though to myself, fine. Let’s put these natural deo hucksters to the test and, by god, I genuinely cannot believe how well it works. And trust, I say that as a remarkably sweaty person. I don’t love the texture of the stick, but you will never smell a whiff of BO again with this stuff. In fact, my one word of warning would be to choose your scent extremely wisely (I went with Coconut Dreamin’ and can recommend) because you will be smelling it on your self and your clothing for days after the fact.

Balenciaga No Comment perfume - That’s right. I officially smell rich, bitch! I spoke my dream fragrance into reality. Balenciaga said say less to my cries for luxury scent and sent me a bottle. I think what makes No Comment so appealing to me is that it has the deep woody, amber notes that I typically look for in my perfumes, but has “green” top notes that make it feel more unusual and fitting for spring. Anyway, I’m terrible at describing smells. If you’re interested, I’d recommend just waltzing into a store and giving it a big old sniff.

Ciele blush in Behati - Just when I think my hunt for the perfect blush is over….THEY PULL ME BACK IN. I maintain that the Saie blush in Ciao is still the end all be all of a natural flush, but this Ciele shade is giving it a run for its money. This one is a “dusty rose” that’s a little more tawny than Ciao and makes me feel gently sun-dappled despite being the palest I’ve ever been.

Ok, everything else I bought / watched / read / clicked on over the last two months (and it was a lot!!!) coming at you after the jump.

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Howdy!

I don’t know what’s going on this week, whether it’s the rain, the last gasps of February SAD, something planetary, or just my own TikTok-addled brain ping-ponging around my skull, but I’m having a serious procrastination problem. I just can’t seem to make myself sit down and get the words out on the page despite all of my best-laid plans. But, as always, my extreme avoidance of deadlines remarkably leads to me accomplishing many of the absolute worst things on my to-do list. Why, yes, of course I would rather deep clean the bathroom and scrub the baseboards with a toothbrush instead of turning in a single article, how did you know?

But much Mess awaits us! And so, I’ve finally dragged myself to my desk (sofa) and will do my best to relay to you the many disparate fashion thoughts that have traipsed through my imagination this week. But first, the fridge update you’ve all been patiently waiting for: it got replaced. It took a FULL calendar week for my landlord to actually agree to replace the previous machine that had been there since the 80s, but it has finally happened and I am once again partaking in perishable foodstuffs. The new fridge is also like 5% larger than the last one and it feels like we just got upgraded to the penthouse suite of Frigidaires.

My sister also came to visit this weekend at the height of freezer-gate 2k26 and as we both take our coffee with cream this meant that we quickly became regular fixtures at my local bodega. A fact that reconfirmed something I’ve always known to be true about myself, which is that I love a giant shitty cup of coffee. Gas stations, bodegas, hotel lobbies — these are the big gulps of mediocre brew I crave. Especially when it’s priced between free and $2, what more do you want of your java? Although, in my fridge-less desperation, I did discover the very dangerous fact that a cafe next to my apartment serves an absolute Dunkin’ bucket full of iced coffee for $10 a pop. So, I foresee myself becoming extremely in debt and extremely over-caffeinated all summer long off those bad boys.

Oh, also, my sister was here because she was taking a workshop on how to make Victorian hair art at Morbid Anatomy, a mourning art form I’ve discussed frequently in these pages. If that’s something you’d also be interested in learning how to do, she said she highly recommends it and came home with a creepy little bouquet of horse hair flowers. If you’ve ever wondered why I am the way I am…….there you go. Except my mom and sister are actually into way weirder stuff than I could ever dream of engaging with as I am a massive scaredy cat and they want to like figure out how to fake an autopsy scene using Elmer’s glue and mannequin parts. I wish that was hyperbole.

The only other thing I urgently need to share with you all is that I learned this week that it is an open secret in Hollywood that a famous actor has an AI girlfriend who he’s been toting along to various hot spots about town and reddit has now helped me identify who this man is. Believe it or not, it ISN’T Scott Disick. Although I do feel his time is coming. Regardless, THIS is the caliber of gossip the tabloids should be trafficking in and never are these days. This is the type of info that makes the little gears in my brain whir along smoothly, lubricated on sweet, sweet secrets.

Oook, let’s go.

I think we’ve all heard a little too much about Demna’s Gucci debut by now and my two cents are very much not needed on the subject. But I do just want to say that, whether you love it or hate it, Demna did exactly what he was hired to do. He designed a collection that’s going to sell like gangbusters to all the least interesting people on earth with more money than they know what to do with. He’s going to quadruple the brand’s annual revenue just as Kering intended. But I do miss Demna’s usual sly sense of humor about it all. The meta, knowing wink at how obvious and trite everything is that made so much of his work at Vetements and Balenciaga fun and funny. This had none of that, just the pure plagiaristic capitalism that always underlies his designs. But I was thrilled to see that he got my memo about clothing that makes it impossible for celebs to perform everyday tasks for themselves, as Demi Moore modeled at the brand’s afterparty in this stole that bound her arms to her sides to the point she could barely keep Pilaf aloft.

And while this Emily Ratajkowski ass selfie isn’t exactly art, I do think the concept of the sunburned-on Gucci-logo thong is. It’s infinitely more compelling than the real deal, or anything I saw on that runway for that matter. This hits closer to Demna’s usual tongue-in-cheek antics, doing a Tom Ford redux by underscoring the very absence of that man and his foundational brand iconography. It’s very Kim K’s Met Gala blackout curtain. Give me more of that!

Marty Supreme No More

It was also the Brit Awards this week, and I once again just have to quickly point out that Sombr has cracked the Timmy Chalamet formula and is, dare I say, doing it better. Sometimes it really is as simple as just putting on a skintight lace top and a shiny, little jacket. No need to overcomplicate things.

The Simple Life

Ok, and I know she only wore this as an homage to Rob Rausch, but this Lisa Rinna fit did make me realize we’re long overdue for some sort of high fashion take on the overall. This is not that reinvention, but the seed of inspiration has been planted. It’s time for a glam take on the dungaree onesie, especially considering the clip-on shoulder straps offer the perfect opportunity for a surprise breast reveal. I need to see a fully pearl-covered pair from Schiaparelli immediately. Gucci x Dickies when?

Tally-ho!

And the last thing I have to bring to your attention before we get into the meat and potatoes of today’s email is just that I find it very odd that I stumbled across not one, but two images of famous people atop rearing stallions in a singular week. Well, if you count Teen Mom’s Farrah Abraham as a famous person, I guess. Still! Most odd. I see the equine lobbyists are working in full force to capitalize on this year of the Fire Horse.

After the paywall, my every waking thought on the SAG Awards! Excuse me, ACTOR Awards!

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Hello, Messketeers!

How’s everything going? Has Mercury retrograde sabotaged your entire life yet? It certainly has mine.

This week, my absolutely ancient fridge decided to shit the bed and completely stopped blowing cold air. A fact that, as you can imagine, has wreaked endless havoc upon my abode. There is…

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Hiya, Messketeers!!

Hope you’ve had a splendid week since we last spoke. I’ve missed you all dearly.

This week, I experienced my bi-monthly re-remembering that the app Too Good To Go exists and that I should be using it more. A realization that explains how I accidentally found myself the proud o…

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Hello, my treasured Messketeers!

I come to you today with a bonafide treat. Screenshots. Proof. Receipts!!!!

When I first had this idea on Notes the other week to expose the behavior of my most high-profile followers, I thought there was no way I had enough of these to make a whole post and then after a short scroll through my phone I realized I actually have SO MANY MORE than I ever realized.

So, this is a compilation of all the funny celeb likes on my content I’ve seen to date, as well as the names of some very high profile folks who have deemed my trash content worthy of a follow. This whole post feels like a weird humble brag, but I think there’s names in here that will be genuinely shocking and titillating to you all, so I’m putting aside my self-deprecating urges for today.

And as long as celebs keep airing out their dirty laundry vicariously through my social media avatar, I suppose I shall keep doing the same by screenshotting them and putting it on blast behind the paywall. So please enjoy part one of what I’m sure will be many editions to come of celebs behaving shadily on @messworldwide!

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